*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.