Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy