guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
You Might Also Like
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I love the honesty
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.