Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
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I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
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Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Print is alive and well!!!
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Anyone really
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life