women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
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I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.