All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My wife gives the best headache.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.