Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
me when I see my crush
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*