[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
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I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.