wow
You Might Also Like
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
How is it still this week?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago