No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
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Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together