POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Sniffing the broccoli
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*