I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”