You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
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Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo