Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
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Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens