Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
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[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Good advice.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Ugh but profoundly
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation