It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
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the prophecy has been fulfilled
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
*watches the world burn*
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?