Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
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It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.