Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
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Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair