I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
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For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
@ candidates for local office
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.