Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink