Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.