When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
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being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine