[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Pringles
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.