[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
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I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?