Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
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The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
found my next D&D character name
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.