That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
why I oughta
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.