2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
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In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500