Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
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Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me trying to reach for my goals
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Same post same
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever