I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
You Might Also Like
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My last name is Zilla.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.