I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Don’t we all.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.