Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
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[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.