I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
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You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine