Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Put this video in the Louvre
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Dear Lord..