Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon