The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
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daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.