You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
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*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*