[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.