BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
You Might Also Like
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
💻🤡
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Cool shirt 🙂
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
idk what he going thru but i feel him