[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
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boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.