*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
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reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
describing stardew valley
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Don’t snitch tag.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”