Can’t, holding a grudge
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I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Seems legit
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.