me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
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Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Me as a therapist: omg same
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
me and my fake scenarios
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Geez man, take it easy.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.