Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Merry Christmas
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
uncle dave has been through hell
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
#NeverForget
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]