Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
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Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.