There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Fidel Castro was alive?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then