ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
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OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought