I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.