I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
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they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.