Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
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Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
A French press is when you hug naked
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Name this drama.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted