Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Flock of bats
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*